Never in my life did I think that I would be 27 and writing a blog about what it's like to lose my mother. I never thought I'd live through the day when I heard "She has brain cancer and it is terminal". I definitely never imaged that I would hear it only 2 short years after I heard the words "Your Dad died". Life has proven to be a struggle over the last 2 1/2 years. A struggle I'm not sure I was ever prepared for. A struggle that I'm sure will continue even after the day when I have to say "She's with my dad now". The struggle lies in losing those that you love and in learning how to live a life without them here on earth.
People ask me every day how I remain in relationship with God after all that I have suffered over the last two years. They ask me as though it's a difficult thing to do. My response is this. How do you not live in relationship with God through the struggles in your life? If you have no faith in Him and no faith in eternal life, then how do you get through the idea of losing those you love? It is in my relationship with God that I am consoled. The promise of eternal life is one that is given to all and through that promise it comforts us in the knowledge that we will all once again be reunited in a place so much more than the one in which we exist now. If anything, suffering WITH GOD makes me strive harder to life for him so that I too may end where I know both my parents have and will go.
The love of God is a love that I feel blessed to have but also one that has been given to me. My parents exemplified God's love in their every day lives and in their marriage. The testimony to that love exists in our home on a daily basis. It lives in the people that have surrounded our family in it's most difficult hours. It was obvious in the filled peus and packed botanical gardens at the celebration of life we held for my dad after his passing. It's evident in the hospital waiting room that was filled day and night with almost 40 people for 5 days straight as we awaited every drop of news from the doctors upon her diagnosis. It continues to exist today as our home is FULL of people who care and love for my mother and family. And that love is what helps us get through the struggles that we face.
But this love for God and trust in His plan is not a cover either. It doesn't hide the sadness and sorrow that is felt on a daily basis. It doesn't remove tears from our eyes or frustration from our hearts. These emotions are gifts from God that allow us to deal with the plans He has that we don't always want to face. He allows us to be angry to cry to be confused and scared. Having these emotions every minute of every day doesn't mean that we lose faith in God. It doesn't mean that we question His love. Losing faith in God would be walking away. And though it might be easier to do that at times of difficulty, I am reminded that His love is what will reunite me once again with my earthly loves. If my desire is to see my parents again then I have to strive harder every day to be more like them and more like Christ so that I go where I know they have gone and will go.
That being said please do not be fooled into thinking that we have remained strong through this struggle. We are weak and it is rough. There are no days that pass where tears are not shed and where frustrations are not exposed. For those of you who have watched someone you love deteriorate or have walked this path with us then you understand that strength is merely a thought or idea that exists rather than a trait you possess. Death on earth sucks. There's no other way to say it. It's hard, it's difficult it breaks and bends you to points where you no longer feel as though you can take any more.
These blogs are not meant to give a false understanding of the hardships we face. They are not meant to make it appear as though we are always joyous through this trial. They are short updates on how she is doing in order to keep others informed. Perhaps I have lacked in truly expressing the emotions that go along with each step she takes in the progression, but each day as she weakens and loses more and more control of her body and mind our hearts rip a little more. And the pain that is felt is one that I cannot even begin to describe.
I don't think we have much more time. The worsening of her symptoms has begun to increase rapidly over the last few weeks. She had a few falls and has become bedridden for the most part. With two peoples assistance she is able to stand for a few seconds before her legs give way but beyond that her mobility is limited to the upper half of her body. Her confusion has become more and more noticeable with each day that passes. Her wit and personality remain and for that we are grateful.
The stress is high (if me writing this blog at 4 am on a Thursday is not a reflection of the loss of sleep then I don't know what is). This time is hard.
I think that this blog has been the most difficult to write and will probably be one of the most difficult ones for you to read. But it's real. It's life. It's my life and her life.
As we prepare more and more for the funeral and for the end, I pray that you allow the lives of both my parents to deepen your faith in something; if not God, then in love. And that you take from their lives all that they hoped to share: love.
"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor 13:13
