I've dreaded writing this blog.... Perhaps the finality of the words is an unsettling reality that I have attempted to escape. But as days pass the need to share the most tragically beautiful events that transpired urge me to write.
In my previous blog I spoke of love. Love that exists without time or reason. A love that was so inspiring it almost made me fear never meeting my modeled expectations. It only seems fitting perhaps that the story today begins on valentines day.
On February 10th we celebrated my moms life with a jazz concert at our home. The house was full of music and love. Her closest friends and family gathered around her hospital bed as one of her favorite jazz singers serenaded her with heavenly notes. She waved her arms, sang along and smiled for what seemed to be an eternity. She truly was the life of the party. (Side note: when her good friends and I sat to plan out her services with her she was so sad about not being able to be at the biggest celebration of her life..... Little did she know that she would be there). The night was a beautiful memory of her and her spirit. It was what we now know to be her send off from this life to the next.
The next day she slept more than ever. Who wouldn't after throwing a party like she did? We thought nothing of her tiredness, in fact we expected it. But it didn't seem to go away. On Tuesday the 12th my moms nurse came to do an evaluation. I had met with her social worker Patty the day before to talk about the major decreases in her abilities and to gain insight on how to better care for her. Trish could see the decline and let me know that she thought we might only have a one to two weeks left.
I called Steve.... She had been asking for him..... Made arrangements to take a leave from work. All was arranged. Valentines day would be the last day for me at school and I would spend the next two weeks holding her hand, watching downton abbey with her and laying with her in her hospital bed (don't laugh, I did this often). That day I went to work, celebrated love with 22 of my loves and counted down until I could start my time with her.
At 2:15 I got a text saying Mnsgr. had a break and was headed to the house to see my mom. I rushed home wanting to see him and to be there as be prayed with her. But when I got home we could all see that something wasn't right. Steve was holding her hand and Rosio was wiping down her face, keeping her hydrated... But she wasn't responding. I was beginning to realize that the words "I love you" she had spoken to me the night before might be her last. We decided to do her last rites. She opened her eyes for a brief second as she heard Mnsgr. begin to pray. Another testament to the strength of her faith and for the desire to be united in faith. We gathered in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit and began to set her free.
The night was full of those she loved. Hospice put her on crisis care and told us that we were in the last few days. We took turns holding her hand. The children she had helped to raise were there beside her and the friends that she had made family were holding mine and Steve's. The night went so fast and so slow.( For those of you who have never witnessed someone as they pass I will spare you of the unpleasant details. ) It was nerve wracking. I hadn't slept in days..... Countless nights of nightmares of holding her hand as she passed on valentines day (I shrugged them off knowing hospice ad given us much longer). I sat beside her and Steve. I counted the seconds between her breathes and held mine in agony until I was slightly soothed by her next attempt to gasp. I think about these breathes often as I breathe now. The smallest things we forget to be thankful for.
She went fast. She didn't live in agony for days. She peacefully went (well, as peaceful as you can in these circumstances). She was surrounded by those she loved.... I held her hand. And at 5:20am, only a few short hours after our valentines day ended, she was united again with her valentine. All those present that night said they could feel my Dad there. I recall whispering to my friend Sean that I could feel my dad with me.... This was quickly followed by Peggy telling me she saw my dad there as she walked through our front door. There's no doubt in my mind that he came for her or that he spent the last few hours and days with us, patiently waiting for his love.
Now that she's gone I think back to the beginning moments... The fears, the doubts. I remember my moms strength as she accepted the news with faith and grace. Her biggest fears were that she wouldn't remember us or my dad, that she would lose her intelligence, that she would die with just me present and that she wouldn't live the rest of her life the way she had lived it before. She has asked God for many things in her life and He has given her them all. Her faithfulness in Him resulted in an outpouring of faithfulness to her. And as she wished each and every wish He gazed at her from above and granted every one!
My mom was the smartest, strongest, most loyal woman I know. She taught me the true meaning of selflessness and love. She fought battles and overcame them. She accepted hardships with grace. She gave it her all when she needed to and raised a lot (a lot) of hell when she needed to. She was blunt and honest. She was true, and even up until her last breath she taught me to trust in something bigger than myself. She gave me strength in times of weakness and reminded me that the only place you need to run to is to your knees.
My parents were the most amazing people I know. They were who the song " only the good die young" was written about. They lived each moment as if it was their last and never stopped to think of regrets. As a child I watched them dance in the kitchen together, travel the world together, hold each others hands as they sat together, and never once take the other for granted. They were each others biggest fans, and mine and Steve's biggest fans. And now I look up and see them together, hand in hand as they belong, toasting us with a glass of wine and reminding up that "this is as good as it gets".
